My girlfriend figured out who you are.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
