Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
