It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
