I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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