I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
