6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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