Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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