So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
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That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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