last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
