Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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