Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
