Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
