drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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