the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
