Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
