Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
ttyl tear gas
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
