I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
