Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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