I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
my phone needs a breathalizer
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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