I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
