Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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