i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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