I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
It's official drugs can't kill me
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You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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