I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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