this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
