Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
