I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
