you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
