I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
