Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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