sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
