just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Who died my cat blue again?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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