There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
