I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
