...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
