I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
