Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
