im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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