I want to walk on stilts...naked
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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