my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
