i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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