I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
