I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
