the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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