my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
