Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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