I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
