I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
