I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there was a trapeze. enough said
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
