If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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