I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i drank out of a bidet.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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