I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
