Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
