Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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