Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
