so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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